Compliance - Sarah Holderfield

Compliance

As I approach the one year anniversary of the last time I went into a store, the last time I had dinner with friends, or the last time I hugged family outside my house, I don’t feel smug justification for a lifelong habit of obsessive hand washing, I have a sense of motionlessness that’s not peace, but a lull – and we often believe that any stillness is stagnation.

I am no longer on the roller coaster of expectancy waiting for something, good or bad, to happen. There have been plenty of both as we realized the big difference between what is simple and what is easy.

It may be simple to keep yourself and others safe but it’s not easy for so many because humans are such interconnected, social creatures. The heavy burden of introspection brought on by isolation and the strain of living with your own flaws in front of a mirror can feel like too much. The self-identities we all create are harder to maintain when we don’t feel we have to wrap up in those identities every day.

I have learned a few things in the past year: one, being grateful for what I have – not in comparison to those who have less or more, but in comparison to my needs – is important; two, I think I’m more qualified for deep space exploration as I now feel I’ve had some practice with long-term isolation; and three, we cannot live in a state of emergency forever – if we’re flexible with our-definition of what we consider “normal,” it goes a long way to being more happy with where you are and being more gentle on yourself.

Sarah Holderfield